


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES! - Fic

by ArdentArgyle



Category: Excel Saga, Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Cannibalism, Crossover, Deliberate Badfic, Dog-Eat-Human World, Dogs, Human-Eat-Dog World, Japanese, Kawaii, M/M, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Sad Puppy, Slash, puns, so deep, tw: classism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-18 03:11:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2333117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArdentArgyle/pseuds/ArdentArgyle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this is menchi she is sad cuz her owners got exploded in a bad plot and she got adopted by someone else but they want to eat her too</p>
            </blockquote>





	NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES! - Fic

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2320634) by Anonymous. 



Once there was a dog named Menchi and he was a good dog. His humans wanted to eat him though so he was a sad dog. But because he was a good dog he still loved his humans, he was just sad alot.

Then one day his humans got blowed up in Australia and he was even sadder. He would never be eaten now but they had been his onee-chan and onee-sama and he had loved them as agood dogs do. He stood over their boddies and he cried for a very long time, then he started walking, because they were in a bit of Austria with nothing and that was not good.

He walked and he walked and just when she thought she couldn't walk anymore he heard a car dor slam and someone softly call out to her. He was a man with curly hair and very pretty and terrible flannel clothes, but he seemed nice so Menchi came over and said moshi-moshi. Then the man grabbed her and shoved her into the car.

"Oh noes," Menchi thought. "I will be eaten this time for sure."

But he was not. The man was very nice, his name was Will Graham and he had a lot of dogs. He liked to take them for walks and play games and he made them good food. He didn't sleep very well and sometimes he was gone for a long time for his job, but the other dogs told Menchi he worked for very good people catching very bad people, and he never ever ate doggies, and for a few weeks Menchi was happier than she had ever been.

Then one day Will brought home his friend, who all the other dogs said made even better food than Menchi's new owner. He was very well-dressed and smelled very expensive and stared at Menchi very dubiously.

"This is my new dog Hannibal," Will said shyly, looking at his friend with stares in his eyes. "He is named Menchi."

" _otearai wa doko desuka_ ," muttered Hannibal, darkly. "He seems very rude."

"Oh Hannibal" Will's face fell. "U know I don't speak even English well I don't know what you're saying when you talk French."

Hannibal smiled at Will. "Baka," he said with great affection. 

Two great tears welled up in Will's eyes. He threw himself at Hannibal. "I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN STAND ME," he cried. "I'm rude and stupid and low-class and I smell like dogs and fish and old spice!"

Hannibal patted him gently. "You are very kawaii and I love you, don't worry. Let's go into the kitchen I brought a picnic basket." And once there he brought out many delicious foods but Menchi was very smart and clever and have been owned by evil people before. Finally Hannibal brought out his 'rigged election special' which he said was "Very shichou." At Will's blank stare, "Boss."

Will nodded solemnly. "I know it pains you to explain to me in such terribly bad slang. I am so glad you are patient with me."

"Oh noes," said Menchi. "He is serial killer."

Hannibal's eyes narrowed. "William, can the very rude dog spend the night outside?"

\---- _motto motto!_ \-----

From then on Menchi was very tense and nervouse. She would hide when Hannibal came over, but eventually Hannibal began spending the night so it got harder. Once she peered into the bedroom after hearing cries of " _koi koi, boku no watashi atashi ni ni!_ " and found them writhing together. 

Then they stopped.

" _Very_ rude" Hannibal frowned.

Menchi fled.

\---- _motto motto!_ \-----

One day when Will was off catching serial killers he wasn't sleeping with, Lecter fooled him. He came to feed the dogs and plant evidence as usual but when Menchi heard the door slam and snnuck out he found Hannibal waiting in the foyer.

"Hello Menchi," said Doctor Lecter.

"Oh no," said Menchi. "I am eaten."

Doctor Lector frowned. "No you are not." 

"OMG NO WAI."

"Yes wai", sid Hannibal." I can speak dog. That is how I know you are very rude. But I am also a sugoi psychologist so I can tell you have been horribly abused and because I am very ethical with my patients I will not eat you."

Menchi frowned. "I am not your patient."

"That would be a very rude course of action."

"Okay I am you patient. What no."

"Just from your body language I can tell you were threatened with being eaten before. This is very bad and rude. Dog is very low class." Hannibal smiled and reached behind him, bring out a silver-covered platter. "There is one quick solution. Embrace the wolf your destiny within, give voice to the unspeakable." He lifted off the platter, on which a leg beautifully rested. "I made this myself it is 100% non-toxic to dogs and delicious."

So that is how Menchi became a happy human eater instead of eaten by humans, and he carried the ring at Hannibal and Will's weeding.

**Author's Note:**

> OMG thank u so much my Japanaonnies for the help you are all Subarashī . (✿ ♥‿♥)


End file.
